To explain my randomness....

The few of you that happen to stumble upon my blog may look at my recent postings and be wondering, "What on Earth is this girl talking about? Her writing doesn't make any sense!" Well to answer that question, I have become frustrated with my writers block. It's not that I forgot about my blog, I'd always started to write, but then I'd never finish. I'd type out random words, sentences, and paragraphs trying to explain all the crap that was running through my brain—and for the last few months—a solid piece of writing wouldn't have been able to capture (excuse the language) but half the shit that was going on in my life! So acting upon my frustration, I decided to just publish some of my unfinished drafts. I feel like those entries that I have written suffice in translating my thoughts. It's not perfect, but it's my crazy mind. If you would like to read some of my normal, put together writing start with my first entry all the way to "I'm not that kind of girl". There's your explanation!

-Nessa<3

PS: In non-fancy talk. All the posts in weird font that looks like this is one that is unfinished.

I don't know why

I don't know why people say they're going to change, when they know deep down they won't.
I don't know why I feel the urge to fix every problem, whether it's mine or not.

I mentioned before about how I wasn't the biggest fan of drinking and drugs and all that.

But lately, it's becoming a problem. I don't know what to do.

I feel lately, what I've been feeling is lost.

A lot of times, I don't know what to do! The decisions that I've been making in the last few months have been easily the hardest decisions that I've ever had to make in my life.

I'm scared.
I am freaking scared out of my mind.
What if I make the wrong decision? What if I end up screwing everything up?

I'm not ready! I'm not ready to make these kinds of choices! Not now, not ever! I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Things are changing to fast for me to really understand what would be the smartest path. And I'm afraid I'm going to not make the right one.

I never got to be a kid. That's all I want. I want to be a kid. I wanna be able to go outside and play and go to birthday parties at Chuckie Cheese and watch endless Disney movies and eat endless Mac and Cheese. I want to not care. I want to not make these life changing decisions, I'm not ready.

“What does it feel like to be alive?
Living, you stand under a waterfall. You leave the sleeping shore deliberately; you shed your dusty clothes, pick your barefoot way over the high, slippery rocks, hold your breath, choose your footing, and step into the waterfall. The hard water pelts your skull, bangs in bits on your shoulders and arms. The strong water dashes down beside you and you feel it along your calves and thighs rising roughly back up, up to the boiling surface, full of bubbles that slide up your skin or break on you at full speed. Can you breathe here? Here where the force is the greatest and only the strength of your neck holds the river out of your face. Yes, you can breathe even here. You could learn to live like this. And you can, if you concentrate, even look out at the peaceful far bank where maples grow straight and their leaves lean down. For a joke you try to raise your arms. What a racket in your ears, what a scattershot pummeling!
It is time pounding at you, time. Knowing you are alive is watching on every side your generation's short time falling away as fast as rivers drop through air, and feeling it hit.

Who turned on the lights? You did, by waking up: you flipped the light switch, started up the wind machine, kicked on the flywheel that spins the years. Can you catch hold of a treetop, or will you fly off the diving planet as she rolls? Can you ride out the big blow on a coconut palm's trunk until you fall asleep again, and the winds let up you fall asleep again, and you slide in a dream to the palm tree's base; the winds die off, the lights dim, the years slip away as you idle there till you die in your seep, till death sets you cruising down the Tamiami Trail.

Knowing you are alive is feeling the planet buck under you, rear, kick, and try to throw you; you hang on to the ring. It is riding the planet like a log downstream, whooping. Or, conversely, out step aside from the dreaming fast loud routine and feel time as a stillness about you, and hear the silent air asking in so thin a voice, Have you noticed yet that you will die? Do you remember, remember, remember? Then you feel your life as a weekend, a weekend you cannot extend, a weekend in the country.

O Augenblick verweile.

I haven't written in a while I know. I'm going to fill you in on what has changed.
It's not that I don't go on here, the thing is that I do....a lot. I log on and then I write a message, but then I stop. I stop because every single time I write, I am at a loss for words.
Somedays are good, and somedays are bad. You just need to learn to, believe it or not, enjoy both of them! You know why? Because you're alive. You will never get a day back. You will never get a second back. Why do you want that second wasted on something that doesn't make you feel good?

I have to say that things for me lately have been going pretty well! And I could tell you that. But the thing is, is that you don't know that last night I was on the phone with my mom (my real mom) crying so hard because she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. Crying because it felt like no-one was here for me, crying because I didn't know what to do. I just needed somebody, but I didn't want anybody.

And lately everyone has been asking me what I want and I always say the same thing. I say: "I don't know" and people must be getting really annoyed hearing me say that, but I don't have anything else to say! I just don't know! And I guess here's my reasoning: I am seventeen years old. I'm a foster child who ran away from home. I am flat on my ass broke. I never got to grow up. I've never had a childhood, I never got to be a kid or act like a kid. But all of a sudden, I have to make these decisions that an adult wouldn't be able to make. I have to decide if I'm going to move home, or to stay where I am. The thing is, is that I want to go home....but I can't. I can't because if I did go back, it would be the same. I don't believe that anything has changed!

As you all well know, I haven't been living at  home lately, I have been living with one of my best friends, Catie.
Life has gotten better since I have left, but life has also gotten harder. I have continued into the realization that things for me earlier in life have been pretty bad.
Where I live now is a painful place to stay. I don't mean painful physically, but more mentally and emotionally.
When I wake up every morning I am forced to watch a life that, in my eyes, is perfect. I watch Catie live her life that is....normal.

And the worst part is that I sit there and I think to myself that I will never have the things she does.

This isn't the kind  of jealousy that you have when your friend has a pair of shoes that you really wanted. This kind of jealousy is tearing me apart because I get to wake up every morning in a place where everyone else is happy and I'm not.

She has a family who loves her, she is in a relationship where her boyfriend cares about her and wants to make her happy, she has so many people around her that want her to be happy and want nothing but the best for her. She has love all around her.

That's the only thing I have ever wanted in my life is to feel loved.

And she keeps reminding me that her parents are my parents and they love me and everyone in this place loves me but the thing is, is that I'm not their daughter! I'm not related to any of them! I'm not really, and will never really be a part of their family. I'm never going to have the love or the special bond that parents have to their children! Because I'm not their kid! Whether or not they really love me, that amount of love will never equal the amount of love a parent feels for their real child. They're not going to be willing to make the same kind of sacrifices that they would make in an instant for their real child. And I'm not their real child. I'm not a real sister. I'm not a part of this family! I'm a 17 year old foster child that had to run away from home and live with her best friend.

And it kills me that I have to sit here and watch it everyday.

It's not a homeless life for me, it's just that I'm home less than I'd like to be.

My name is Vanessa, and I'm a fighter.

Words can't even explain how much this song means to me right now.

"The Fighter"
(feat. Ryan Tedder​)

Just waking up in the morning
And to be well,
Quite honest with ya,
I ain't really sleep well
Ya ever feel like your train of thought's been derailed?
That's when you press on - Lee nails
Half the population's just waitin to see me fail
Yeah right, you're better off trying to freeze hell
Some of us do it for the females
And others do it for the retail

But I do it for the kids, life threw the towel in on
Every time you fall it's only making your chin strong
And I'll be in your corner like Mick, baby, 'til the end
Or when you hear a song from that big lady

[Bridge]
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?

[Chorus - Ryan Tedder]
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter

[Verse 2]
And if I can last thirty rounds
There's no reason you should ever have your head down
Six foot five, two hundred and twenty pounds
Hailing from rock bottom, loserville, nothing town

Text book version of a kid going nowhere fast
And now I'm yelling, "Kiss my ass"
It's gonna take a couple right hooks, a few left jabs
For you to recognize you really ain't got it bad

[Bridge]
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?

[Chorus - Ryan Tedder]
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter

Everybody put yo hands up
What we gonna do (hey!) [x4] y'all?
What we gonna do (hey!) [x3] y'all?

If you fall pick yourself up off the floor (get up)
And when your bones can't take no more (c'mon)
Just remember what you're here for
Cuz I know Imma damn sure

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter

'Til the referee rings the bell
'Til both ya eyes start to swell
'Til the crowd goes home,
What we gonna do kid?

Untitled

It's hard when people don't understand. It's hard when you know everything that you're supposed to say to explain the situation, but you can't put the words together. Well. Welcome to what I feel like today.

I've been really upset and just empty today.

I feel empty. I feel like I don't have anything anymore. I give out so much love and express happiness whenever I can and I feel like I can never get it returned.

Growing up in a household where love is not shown and expressed, I got older and continuously longed for the feeling of love and dreaming of it. I read countless romantic novels and watched all the movies and listened to all of the songs about love. I was a hopeless romantic.

I know that God loves me more than anything, but today, I felt so empty I began to doubt. I began to doubt because I didn't feel anything.

My family didn't love me. My FAMILY.

I just want someone to care. To just love me for being me. To not judge me. To not look through me. To see me.

Love is hard to find. And I'm growing tired of looking.

I'm not that kind of girl!

There are many pressures in today's society. Expectations that are unreasonable, unreachable and therefore unachievable by a majority of teenagers. I've never been the kind of person who's really confident. Though those who know me would say differently,  I guess I shouldn't really say that I'm not confident, but I'm just not comfortable about some things that normal teenagers would typically be comfortable doing. 

I never felt the urge to drink, do drugs, party or sleep around with guys. I'm not saying that I've never taken a drink of alcohol, but I'm saying that I've never felt any kind of satisfaction from it. I used to talk about it a lot and say to people "I got so drunk this weekend" or something along those lines, but I've never felt proud of saying that. 

When I was a freshman in high school, I was the definition of a straight edge. I stayed at home and did my laundry and homework, made good grades and kept my room clean. I did what a good girl was asked to do. It wasn't until the end of freshman year and into the summer that I took my first drink of alcohol. I was with my cousin who was known to be a "party girl", and you could say that I was sort of peer pressured into it. I'm not putting the blame on the concept of peer pressure though. Peer pressure didn't make the decision to take the first drink, I did. 

And that's what sucks.

I was brainwashed into thinking that peer pressure was something that got to make decisions for me. I was just like every other teenager that thought that you had to do something in the status quo in order to fit in. I let it get the best of me and I began to persist. I'm not saying that I was an alcoholic! I only drank about one or twice a month, but once or twice a month was unacceptable since my first drink was already too much.

I guess this whole story is about how I lost myself to what society wanted. Today I realized that I'm not going to let that happen anymore.

One of my friends invited me to go to the club tonight and last week I really wanted to go because everyone was going to the club, but I sat and thought about it some more and I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. Because that's not me! Ahaha. I sounds so lame, but I don't really care! To say it bluntly: I'm not going to dress all skimpy, go to a party where people are drunk and high and just want me to shake my butt into their crotch! 

I'm not that kind of girl!

I'm not comfortable with that! I just want to sit at home, read a book, do my laundry, play my guitar, sing and write! I don't like going out everyday, I don't go to parties and I don't have sex with guys! I don't want that and I don't want to be attracting the kind of people who want that. Don't get me wrong, I loove to have fun and to go out with friends and have a good time, but I believe that there are other ways to get the high out of your life other than from a drug.

After today and after writing this, I realize now that I need to do what makes me happy and do things that make me comfortable. I'm not going to change myself to fit in with a group or to satisfy them. I need to satisfy myself. The friends that I have need to see that it's what's good for me, and if they are real friends they'll stick around and be happy to be in my life.

Because I'm pretty freakin awesome!

-Nessa<3

Let me tell you a story

I'm sorry. I haven't written in a while. Things have been really busy lately. I'm here to tell you a story of  my life since the last time that I wrote.

Let me start off by saying that I've changed. I'm not the same person. I'm more quiet, I'm more reserved and I'm more....grown up. In the last month of my life, so many things have changed that I never believe would have. I've been given a chance. I've been given a chance to change how my life could be. I took that chance and I became stronger. I am no longer the girl I was. I have had time to think and time to clear my head and time to have a change in heart. Let me explain to you what has happened to me:

My name is Vanessa, and I have been abused physically, emotionally and verbally by my mother for 17 years. Now me saying that was a pretty big deal because I'm not ever that blunt and open about my situation. I'm not asking for pity. I am not asking of anything, but an ear to listen and a heart to understand.

I ran away from home on June 6th, 2012. And it was probably one of the hardest decisions that I have ever made in my life. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in a similar situation that I have been in, what it's like and why I couldn't leave before. When you are abused, you are bound and controlled and ruled by fear of that person. There isn't ever an option of leaving. You are just there and you will stay there. You view the person in control as a corrupt God that has the power to drag you through hell without hesitation.

It wasn't until I left to clear my head did I realize that my mother ruled every thought that I had. I was always concerned about her opinion, her thought, and what she could do to me as a result. I was brainwashed. I was a slave.

But things have changed.

The few people who know about my little secret always say to me: When you leave you will never go back. You will not talk to her ever again. The thing they don't realize is that's not how the way it is. I was actually hysterically crying last night because I missed my family so much. There will never be a day when I'll just never talk to her again. But what everyone else thinks is that I need to take revenge on her.

Revenge gets you nowhere.

I am going to become what I want. Be who I want to be and be happy and have love and have everything that she couldn't give to me and not be who she was. I am going to become successful. And I'm going to let her know that she had nothing to do with it. I want to show her that I don't need her. I didn't need her to become who I am.

-Nessa<3

PS: I left my Vent book with my mom soo there might not be any entries from there for a little while. Sorry guys! There was some good stuff in there. Someday soon I will.

Introducing an introduction about my Vent Book!

This is more like a warning entry than anything else....
First off, I'm going to explain to you what some of my next couple of posts are going to be.
I am the kind of person that gets their emotions out with simply a pencil and a piece of paper. I can really release everything that I bottle up inside through writing. I started this secret journal in the begginning of April, 2012. It started because I wasn't having a very good day, and I felt like no-one would understand if I told them.
This isn't diary.
There's no gossip.
Think of it more as an oberservation book. When I was in 8th grade, I called it a "Vent Book". In this "Vent Book", I talk about things that I experience and things that I have learned, things that I wish would happen, things that I wish wouldn't and shouldn't. It's a much more deep thinking kind of journal. I look at the occurrences in life and analyze it and I think in a more intelligent way than most would while simply writing a diary entry. Anyways, I'll be posing passages from my Vent Book sometimes and I just want to let you guys know that, that's not what's occurring in my life as of the moment, but I have lived through it. I'll say "Vent Book" somewhere in the title  so that you can decipher my life thoughts and my past journal entries.

Katie Bak

Ladies and Gentlemen, I want to tell you about someone who has been one of the greatest influences in my life.

Her name is Katie Bak.

She has reddish/brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes and a smile that can make anyone’s day. She's the girl that everyone envy's, but she is too humble to see. She holds self confidence, beauty and 100 years of wisdom inside of her, and has limitless love to give. She listens without judgment, and gives advice with care. She is one of the only people I know that has a heart completely in the right place….

She is the only person I would ever let get away with running over my mailbox with a car!

I have known Katie since elementary school, so about 9 years. I remember we used to play with each other’s hair in fifth grade during reading time. I used to call her all of the time in middle school because it felt like she was the only one who would ever listen without arbitrating me. In the beginning of high school, we rode the bus to school together, and shared my iPod, and listened to sappy love songs or totally obnoxious music.

But as time progresses, things change. Katie is now graduating early from high school a year before her grade, and is going to be attending BYU in Utah. She leaves in eight days, and I wanted a way to tell her how much I love her, and how much I appreciate everything that she has done for me. 

Katie, the brightest things are in store for you. Your future will be filled with the most wonderful things, things that you have always wanted. Life will bring you happiness, bliss and the purest of love. You deserve every bit of happiness that this world has to offer and everyone who knows you agrees with that. So here is to you, Katie! I am going to miss you so much, and I'm so happy and proud of you! This is a pretty lame "little gift" for you but, I'm a broke teenager and nothing that I would have bought for you would be able to tell you how much I love and will miss you.

Whenever you hear this song, it's God sending it to you, with love from me.

Thank you for always being there. Be safe. I love you.

-Nessa<3

Ps: Katie inspired me to restart my blog through her amazing one called: Let it be like breathing. For those of you, who don't know me or her personally, check it out and you'll see her beauty show through her writing!

We're all friends forever

From left to right: Katie, Nessa, Katey, Catie, Anna and (foreign exchange student) Vivian.

100 years

This is my first post on my blog and to be honest, I'm not quite sure what to say....I guess you're probably wondering what is the significance of the title I have chosen and I think an explanation would be a good place to start.

I remember the late nights in the car, where I was half asleep in the backseat. I would half consciously listen to this song playing softly on the radio. It was almost as if every time I would begin to fall asleep, this song would play to remind me that life can be short. 100 years isn't a long time. In this song, 100 years exists within a 4 minute melody.

So please read these lyrics and keep an open mind. I'll explain everything at the bottom!

100 years-Five for Fighting:

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between 10 and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
And she feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

I'm 33 for a moment
Still the man, but you see I'm of age

A kid on the way, babe
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose yourself
Within a morning star

15 I'm all right with you
15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

Half time goes by
Suddenly you're wise
Another blink of an eye
67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on
I'm 99 for a moment
Time for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15 there's still time for you
22 I feel her too
33 you're on your way
Every day's a new day

15 there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose
Hey 15, there's never a wish better than this
When you only got 100 years to live

So I bolded the line that I feel is one of the most important in this song. I'm 99 for a moment. Time for just another moment. I used to think about that phrase a lot. When it comes time in my life for just another moment what would I see? How would I feel? Would I be at peace? I'm always afraid that I will realize that I forgot in that last moment.

I forgot to live.

I mean really live.

So for as long as I can remember, I've always been one of those memory junkies, the one who always wants to remember everything and who always wants to live in the moment. So you see my purpose of this blog is to talk about my 100 years. For me to live, remember and not regret, and for you to learn from my mistakes and to keep in mind that every one post equals passing time. For each one you read, what have you accomplished in your life since the last entry?

I'm only 17 years old, but I know like I know that I will regret so much if I don't remember how to live like I mean it. So I guess it'll be a message of some sort for all the people who come across my blog, because after all....you only got 100 years to live, right?

-Nessa <3 

Ps: Here's the song if you would like to hear it---> 100 years