To explain my randomness....

The few of you that happen to stumble upon my blog may look at my recent postings and be wondering, "What on Earth is this girl talking about? Her writing doesn't make any sense!" Well to answer that question, I have become frustrated with my writers block. It's not that I forgot about my blog, I'd always started to write, but then I'd never finish. I'd type out random words, sentences, and paragraphs trying to explain all the crap that was running through my brain—and for the last few months—a solid piece of writing wouldn't have been able to capture (excuse the language) but half the shit that was going on in my life! So acting upon my frustration, I decided to just publish some of my unfinished drafts. I feel like those entries that I have written suffice in translating my thoughts. It's not perfect, but it's my crazy mind. If you would like to read some of my normal, put together writing start with my first entry all the way to "I'm not that kind of girl". There's your explanation!

-Nessa<3

PS: In non-fancy talk. All the posts in weird font that looks like this is one that is unfinished.

I don't know why

I don't know why people say they're going to change, when they know deep down they won't.
I don't know why I feel the urge to fix every problem, whether it's mine or not.

I mentioned before about how I wasn't the biggest fan of drinking and drugs and all that.

But lately, it's becoming a problem. I don't know what to do.

I feel lately, what I've been feeling is lost.

A lot of times, I don't know what to do! The decisions that I've been making in the last few months have been easily the hardest decisions that I've ever had to make in my life.

I'm scared.
I am freaking scared out of my mind.
What if I make the wrong decision? What if I end up screwing everything up?

I'm not ready! I'm not ready to make these kinds of choices! Not now, not ever! I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. Things are changing to fast for me to really understand what would be the smartest path. And I'm afraid I'm going to not make the right one.

I never got to be a kid. That's all I want. I want to be a kid. I wanna be able to go outside and play and go to birthday parties at Chuckie Cheese and watch endless Disney movies and eat endless Mac and Cheese. I want to not care. I want to not make these life changing decisions, I'm not ready.

“What does it feel like to be alive?
Living, you stand under a waterfall. You leave the sleeping shore deliberately; you shed your dusty clothes, pick your barefoot way over the high, slippery rocks, hold your breath, choose your footing, and step into the waterfall. The hard water pelts your skull, bangs in bits on your shoulders and arms. The strong water dashes down beside you and you feel it along your calves and thighs rising roughly back up, up to the boiling surface, full of bubbles that slide up your skin or break on you at full speed. Can you breathe here? Here where the force is the greatest and only the strength of your neck holds the river out of your face. Yes, you can breathe even here. You could learn to live like this. And you can, if you concentrate, even look out at the peaceful far bank where maples grow straight and their leaves lean down. For a joke you try to raise your arms. What a racket in your ears, what a scattershot pummeling!
It is time pounding at you, time. Knowing you are alive is watching on every side your generation's short time falling away as fast as rivers drop through air, and feeling it hit.

Who turned on the lights? You did, by waking up: you flipped the light switch, started up the wind machine, kicked on the flywheel that spins the years. Can you catch hold of a treetop, or will you fly off the diving planet as she rolls? Can you ride out the big blow on a coconut palm's trunk until you fall asleep again, and the winds let up you fall asleep again, and you slide in a dream to the palm tree's base; the winds die off, the lights dim, the years slip away as you idle there till you die in your seep, till death sets you cruising down the Tamiami Trail.

Knowing you are alive is feeling the planet buck under you, rear, kick, and try to throw you; you hang on to the ring. It is riding the planet like a log downstream, whooping. Or, conversely, out step aside from the dreaming fast loud routine and feel time as a stillness about you, and hear the silent air asking in so thin a voice, Have you noticed yet that you will die? Do you remember, remember, remember? Then you feel your life as a weekend, a weekend you cannot extend, a weekend in the country.

O Augenblick verweile.

I haven't written in a while I know. I'm going to fill you in on what has changed.
It's not that I don't go on here, the thing is that I do....a lot. I log on and then I write a message, but then I stop. I stop because every single time I write, I am at a loss for words.
Somedays are good, and somedays are bad. You just need to learn to, believe it or not, enjoy both of them! You know why? Because you're alive. You will never get a day back. You will never get a second back. Why do you want that second wasted on something that doesn't make you feel good?

I have to say that things for me lately have been going pretty well! And I could tell you that. But the thing is, is that you don't know that last night I was on the phone with my mom (my real mom) crying so hard because she wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. Crying because it felt like no-one was here for me, crying because I didn't know what to do. I just needed somebody, but I didn't want anybody.

And lately everyone has been asking me what I want and I always say the same thing. I say: "I don't know" and people must be getting really annoyed hearing me say that, but I don't have anything else to say! I just don't know! And I guess here's my reasoning: I am seventeen years old. I'm a foster child who ran away from home. I am flat on my ass broke. I never got to grow up. I've never had a childhood, I never got to be a kid or act like a kid. But all of a sudden, I have to make these decisions that an adult wouldn't be able to make. I have to decide if I'm going to move home, or to stay where I am. The thing is, is that I want to go home....but I can't. I can't because if I did go back, it would be the same. I don't believe that anything has changed!

As you all well know, I haven't been living at  home lately, I have been living with one of my best friends, Catie.
Life has gotten better since I have left, but life has also gotten harder. I have continued into the realization that things for me earlier in life have been pretty bad.
Where I live now is a painful place to stay. I don't mean painful physically, but more mentally and emotionally.
When I wake up every morning I am forced to watch a life that, in my eyes, is perfect. I watch Catie live her life that is....normal.

And the worst part is that I sit there and I think to myself that I will never have the things she does.

This isn't the kind  of jealousy that you have when your friend has a pair of shoes that you really wanted. This kind of jealousy is tearing me apart because I get to wake up every morning in a place where everyone else is happy and I'm not.

She has a family who loves her, she is in a relationship where her boyfriend cares about her and wants to make her happy, she has so many people around her that want her to be happy and want nothing but the best for her. She has love all around her.

That's the only thing I have ever wanted in my life is to feel loved.

And she keeps reminding me that her parents are my parents and they love me and everyone in this place loves me but the thing is, is that I'm not their daughter! I'm not related to any of them! I'm not really, and will never really be a part of their family. I'm never going to have the love or the special bond that parents have to their children! Because I'm not their kid! Whether or not they really love me, that amount of love will never equal the amount of love a parent feels for their real child. They're not going to be willing to make the same kind of sacrifices that they would make in an instant for their real child. And I'm not their real child. I'm not a real sister. I'm not a part of this family! I'm a 17 year old foster child that had to run away from home and live with her best friend.

And it kills me that I have to sit here and watch it everyday.

It's not a homeless life for me, it's just that I'm home less than I'd like to be.

My name is Vanessa, and I'm a fighter.

Words can't even explain how much this song means to me right now.

"The Fighter"
(feat. Ryan Tedder​)

Just waking up in the morning
And to be well,
Quite honest with ya,
I ain't really sleep well
Ya ever feel like your train of thought's been derailed?
That's when you press on - Lee nails
Half the population's just waitin to see me fail
Yeah right, you're better off trying to freeze hell
Some of us do it for the females
And others do it for the retail

But I do it for the kids, life threw the towel in on
Every time you fall it's only making your chin strong
And I'll be in your corner like Mick, baby, 'til the end
Or when you hear a song from that big lady

[Bridge]
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?

[Chorus - Ryan Tedder]
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter

[Verse 2]
And if I can last thirty rounds
There's no reason you should ever have your head down
Six foot five, two hundred and twenty pounds
Hailing from rock bottom, loserville, nothing town

Text book version of a kid going nowhere fast
And now I'm yelling, "Kiss my ass"
It's gonna take a couple right hooks, a few left jabs
For you to recognize you really ain't got it bad

[Bridge]
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?

[Chorus - Ryan Tedder]
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter

Everybody put yo hands up
What we gonna do (hey!) [x4] y'all?
What we gonna do (hey!) [x3] y'all?

If you fall pick yourself up off the floor (get up)
And when your bones can't take no more (c'mon)
Just remember what you're here for
Cuz I know Imma damn sure

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life 'til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes the fighter, there goes the fighter
Here comes the fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me, say to me,
This one's a fighter

'Til the referee rings the bell
'Til both ya eyes start to swell
'Til the crowd goes home,
What we gonna do kid?

Untitled

It's hard when people don't understand. It's hard when you know everything that you're supposed to say to explain the situation, but you can't put the words together. Well. Welcome to what I feel like today.

I've been really upset and just empty today.

I feel empty. I feel like I don't have anything anymore. I give out so much love and express happiness whenever I can and I feel like I can never get it returned.

Growing up in a household where love is not shown and expressed, I got older and continuously longed for the feeling of love and dreaming of it. I read countless romantic novels and watched all the movies and listened to all of the songs about love. I was a hopeless romantic.

I know that God loves me more than anything, but today, I felt so empty I began to doubt. I began to doubt because I didn't feel anything.

My family didn't love me. My FAMILY.

I just want someone to care. To just love me for being me. To not judge me. To not look through me. To see me.

Love is hard to find. And I'm growing tired of looking.