I'm not that kind of girl!

There are many pressures in today's society. Expectations that are unreasonable, unreachable and therefore unachievable by a majority of teenagers. I've never been the kind of person who's really confident. Though those who know me would say differently,  I guess I shouldn't really say that I'm not confident, but I'm just not comfortable about some things that normal teenagers would typically be comfortable doing. 

I never felt the urge to drink, do drugs, party or sleep around with guys. I'm not saying that I've never taken a drink of alcohol, but I'm saying that I've never felt any kind of satisfaction from it. I used to talk about it a lot and say to people "I got so drunk this weekend" or something along those lines, but I've never felt proud of saying that. 

When I was a freshman in high school, I was the definition of a straight edge. I stayed at home and did my laundry and homework, made good grades and kept my room clean. I did what a good girl was asked to do. It wasn't until the end of freshman year and into the summer that I took my first drink of alcohol. I was with my cousin who was known to be a "party girl", and you could say that I was sort of peer pressured into it. I'm not putting the blame on the concept of peer pressure though. Peer pressure didn't make the decision to take the first drink, I did. 

And that's what sucks.

I was brainwashed into thinking that peer pressure was something that got to make decisions for me. I was just like every other teenager that thought that you had to do something in the status quo in order to fit in. I let it get the best of me and I began to persist. I'm not saying that I was an alcoholic! I only drank about one or twice a month, but once or twice a month was unacceptable since my first drink was already too much.

I guess this whole story is about how I lost myself to what society wanted. Today I realized that I'm not going to let that happen anymore.

One of my friends invited me to go to the club tonight and last week I really wanted to go because everyone was going to the club, but I sat and thought about it some more and I came to the conclusion that I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that. Because that's not me! Ahaha. I sounds so lame, but I don't really care! To say it bluntly: I'm not going to dress all skimpy, go to a party where people are drunk and high and just want me to shake my butt into their crotch! 

I'm not that kind of girl!

I'm not comfortable with that! I just want to sit at home, read a book, do my laundry, play my guitar, sing and write! I don't like going out everyday, I don't go to parties and I don't have sex with guys! I don't want that and I don't want to be attracting the kind of people who want that. Don't get me wrong, I loove to have fun and to go out with friends and have a good time, but I believe that there are other ways to get the high out of your life other than from a drug.

After today and after writing this, I realize now that I need to do what makes me happy and do things that make me comfortable. I'm not going to change myself to fit in with a group or to satisfy them. I need to satisfy myself. The friends that I have need to see that it's what's good for me, and if they are real friends they'll stick around and be happy to be in my life.

Because I'm pretty freakin awesome!

-Nessa<3

Let me tell you a story

I'm sorry. I haven't written in a while. Things have been really busy lately. I'm here to tell you a story of  my life since the last time that I wrote.

Let me start off by saying that I've changed. I'm not the same person. I'm more quiet, I'm more reserved and I'm more....grown up. In the last month of my life, so many things have changed that I never believe would have. I've been given a chance. I've been given a chance to change how my life could be. I took that chance and I became stronger. I am no longer the girl I was. I have had time to think and time to clear my head and time to have a change in heart. Let me explain to you what has happened to me:

My name is Vanessa, and I have been abused physically, emotionally and verbally by my mother for 17 years. Now me saying that was a pretty big deal because I'm not ever that blunt and open about my situation. I'm not asking for pity. I am not asking of anything, but an ear to listen and a heart to understand.

I ran away from home on June 6th, 2012. And it was probably one of the hardest decisions that I have ever made in my life. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been in a similar situation that I have been in, what it's like and why I couldn't leave before. When you are abused, you are bound and controlled and ruled by fear of that person. There isn't ever an option of leaving. You are just there and you will stay there. You view the person in control as a corrupt God that has the power to drag you through hell without hesitation.

It wasn't until I left to clear my head did I realize that my mother ruled every thought that I had. I was always concerned about her opinion, her thought, and what she could do to me as a result. I was brainwashed. I was a slave.

But things have changed.

The few people who know about my little secret always say to me: When you leave you will never go back. You will not talk to her ever again. The thing they don't realize is that's not how the way it is. I was actually hysterically crying last night because I missed my family so much. There will never be a day when I'll just never talk to her again. But what everyone else thinks is that I need to take revenge on her.

Revenge gets you nowhere.

I am going to become what I want. Be who I want to be and be happy and have love and have everything that she couldn't give to me and not be who she was. I am going to become successful. And I'm going to let her know that she had nothing to do with it. I want to show her that I don't need her. I didn't need her to become who I am.

-Nessa<3

PS: I left my Vent book with my mom soo there might not be any entries from there for a little while. Sorry guys! There was some good stuff in there. Someday soon I will.